As I Stand Next to the Sun
by JannP
Summary: Why should he have to keep it together when his whole goal is to make her lose it? Finn ponders a classic relationship double-standard. Finchel oneshot. Not totally AU but takes liberty with canon. Reposted.


**A/N: ** Repost. I swear, FF, I will not misplace a swear word again. God. Lyrics and title from **Woman **by **Maroon 5.**

**Disclaimer: **Don't own. Don't care. Please don't sue me.

* * *

**As I Stand Next to the Sun**

So he knows there are some things you just…like you just don't say them out loud, okay? It's not really lying, but it's more like thinking about what comes out of your mouth. He doesn't usually have that ability, but sometimes he does and when he does, it's just…it's a gift.

But even if he can keep his mouth shut, it doesn't mean he's not thinking and after Schue's comment about 'not repeating the mistakes we made last year', he's _thinking _all right. It's not so bad, really, at least not right now. He'll let Rachel know if it gets too bad, but he can feel her eyes on his face after he decides to kind of start wandering through the thoughts he's keeping to himself. She's completely trying to suss him out and he's just thinking.

The first mistake he thought of, honestly, was way back when Schue told the Glee guys they were objectifying the girls. They sang a Madonna song about how it feels to be a girl and he told them to try to understand, maybe a little, so they could be nicer and more respectful. (Also something his mom has practically beaten into him since that Darren douchebag. It's something he's learned just watching Burt, too, and he gets how important it is. He means, like if his mom isn't respected by a dude, he's old enough and big enough now to kick the shit out of the guy and he'd totally do it. So it's important to him now, as the guy in an equation, to avoid treating girls badly and getting kicked by someone else who cares about them.)

Besides, even when he treated Rachel all nicely, he _still_ lost her. So—yeah, that was kind of a mistake. He had to watch her with Jesse after that and it sucked balls. Then again, he kept being nicer to her and eventually he got her and…well, he was pretty sure Mr. Schue was onto something and he tried to look out for her.

Well, in some ways. He's way better at it this time, too. He's been trying to kind of get better at it where girls in general are concerned. The worst place for that was with Coach Beiste. It was so hard to walk to the line between respecting his coach and respecting the coach's boobs. Okay, not literally respecting her boobs because—nothing against her, but he's not attracted to her like that. He doesn't think of her that way, even though he maybe suggested Sam think of her kind of that way. And yeah, he's kind of shitty at respecting people sometimes but he learned from that, too.

That was a mistake last year he could learn from: do _not_ think of your coach to calm things down when you get too excited by your hot girlfriend.

All right, well maybe progress is easier said than done because he still has to think of _something _so he doesn't completely blow it constantly. And for all the thinking he's done about respecting the girls, especially the girls who are teeny and have brown eyes and like to crawl in his lap and kiss him, he wonders if she's thought about it, too. Like does she think about _respecting_ him in the same way? 'Cause he's under a lot of pressure to…y'know… _perform._ Like, all the time. There are so many ways to take that word for him, between sports, and Glee, and…well… even with that teeny, brown-eyed, super hot girlfriend.

He can't imagine Rachel would laugh at him; he's pretty sure she wouldn't. But that doesn't mean he can tell her he _still_ has to think about the time he almost turned someone into road kill, either. Or the _real_ reason he keeps thinking about it. And it's getting better but…well, sometimes he still has to do it because it's like she _knows_ about that spot behind his ear and works it on purpose. She makes it hard for him to hold his shit together sometimes.

Really, though, why does he _have_ to hold his shit together? When they're doing that kind of stuff, his big goal is to make her lose hers, so…why is it okay for her to lose hers but he has to find ways and tricks to keep his together for longer?

He looks over at her when they're in Glee, just sneaking a glance. She's looking forward, listening to Schue, and he probably should be listening too since Regionals are next week. She's biting her lip and he can see her doing that thing where she's taking notes, like, in _her head_ instead of on paper. There are a lot of places where she's doing both, but in Glee she usually just kind of files it away in her head. She remembers some of the craziest shit because she pays attention.

And honestly, he benefits. He's not gonna complain about it.

Okay, but really. How is it fair that he has to come up with new ways to seem like such a bad-ass stud and all she has to do is, basically…look like that. Sure, he knows she showers at least twice a day between her elliptical workouts (incidentally, they started jogging last week because it's just getting warm enough outside and she kicks his ass at that, too) and her dance classes. The only time he sees her, like without makeup or lip gloss that tastes like candy or … whatever… is when they work out or when he picks her up from dance or something. So he knows she tries to look her best all the time; she's told him she likes to be _fastidiously groomed_ and she's said it a lot. So yeah, she tries and he knows that.

But it still seems like he has to work harder at the sex stuff because she just kind of oozes sex, at least he thinks, and he's just kind of a dork—a dork who gets too excited, too fast more often than not.

As far as sex with Rachel goes, there are a lot of mistakes he's made that he'd like to not repeat. And technically, they were within the last year, so maybe that's what Schue is talking about, too. Wait—okay, no. There's no way Schue is talking about his leads' sex life. Still, it applies. Maybe he should tell her about the mailman, y'know, to avoid repeating.

Then she can help him figure out the stupid double standard that says he has to keep his cool so he can be _hot_.

(Seems kinda backwards. Then again, so do a lot of things.)

* * *

It's just him and Burt for dinner that night for whatever reason, so they order pizza. They start watching the only NCAA game that's on, but it totally sucks and neither of them are very interested in the teams playing so it's just kind of awkward silence and a lot of chewing.

"Can I… can I ask you a question?" He finally blurts out, squeezing his eyes closed as he does and he maybe wishes he just hadn't said anything. He knows now this is just going to be awkward. The only way it might be worse is if Kurt came home early. On the other hand… yeah, he's basically got no one else to talk to about this and…well, he at least knows Burt will keep it to himself when all is said and done and even with Kurt, he doesn't have that guarantee.

"I'd say _anything_ but I can see the look on your face already," Burt says. He flips the television off and Finn kind of wishes he hadn't because at least the white noise it makes would be some sort of distraction.

"Well…Mr. Schue was talking today in Glee about not repeating mistakes. I kinda got to thinking."

Burt is turned to look at him thoughtfully. He's still got a toothpick in his mouth so he's kinda chewing as he looks. "Okay."

"Well, about me and…me and Rachel."

Burt shifts a little in his chair and he looks like he might know where this is going. Finn kinda loves the guy in that moment for his devotion. Both Burt and Carole have been open to two teenage guys dealing with a whole bunch of relationship and sex and friendship issues and he has to admit, no matter how awkward it's gotten over the last couple years, neither parent has shied away from a conversation. It makes it harder, in a way, for Finn to shy away now. He's kind of grateful and kind of wanting to change the subject all at once.

"Are you… are you afraid you screwed somethin' up? 'Cause it's probably a good thing you came to me since your mo—"

"—no. I mean, I know Mom loves Rachel. It's nothing like that. It's just… well…I think there's a double standard and it's kinda bugging me."

Burt just scowls and looks lost.

Finn rubs his forehead with his thumb on one side and his other four fingers on the other side and he shrugs awkwardly. "Like… I mean when it comes to sex."

The scowl goes from total to half as Burt raises an eyebrow. Finn knows he can trust Burt and he came to the right person because Burt isn't trying to get more info. Also, Burt kinda looks like he might not _want_ more info.

"I have this problem sometimes," Finn starts then squeezes his eyes shut and he decides to go a different way. "Like… I get… whatever," he licks his lips 'cause man are they dry, and he wipes his hands on his jeans 'cause man are they _not _dry. "Girls have it way better 'cause guys are supposed to do all the work to get them worked up but guys are easy to get…off."

He barely manages to get the words out over his dry tongue before Burt is laughing—hard. It's a minute before his stepdad can really talk and swing his hand around a little like he does. "Look, here's the thing. Has _she_ ever made you feel like…like she was disappointed in something? And God…I'm okay without details."

Finn blows out a breath and he thinks about for a minute—like really, really thinks about it. And no, no she hasn't. There have been a couple times he was afraid he was gonna…y'know…and he pulled away fast, like _lightning_ fast. He went across the room or whatever, thinking about the mailman who still refused to cross their old street. (His mom kept in touch with a couple of the neighbors—she's heard some things.) So anyway, when he pulls away like that, Rachel always bites her lip and acts all worried for a minute. But that's only during _super_ close calls and he goes right back to her. Plus, it's been a while since that happened. It really hasn't happened at all since they started having sex.

It doesn't change the fact that, whenever she's around him and _especially_ when they're kissing or touching or _like that_, he feels like he's about two seconds away from losing it. Like, all the time.

"No," he finally admits. "But it just…it feels like it's not fair. 'Cause there's just all this pressure to be good at it. And last time I was…I was kinda caught up in a bunch of that stuff but then this time when we're actually _doing_ it, I'm not that…I just…"

"Well, Finn…" Burt shifts in his chair again. "Your partner is the most important part of all that. You got a good one, so go talk to her. Sounds like you're putting all the pressure on yourself and that's no good and it _will_ cause problems. Deal with it sooner rather than later. I mean… is that… is that why you broke up before? If it is, you should've already had this chat with her."

Finn blows out a breath and rubs his hands over his thighs again. "No, that's not why we broke up before. I guess I'm just kinda embarrassed. She's just…she's just _so_ hot. And I'm just me, y'know?"

Burt nods. "I know that feeling. I guess, for me, it just makes you want to treat her like she's everything, y'know? 'Cause she _is_."

"Yeah," Finn breathes. His eyes go wide. "Please don't tell my mom me and Rachel do that. I mean, I…it's not a secret but…"

"I'm sure she figures because your mom just _knows _things about you, but okay," Burt agrees and his shoulders relax a little and he's probably thanking God this conversation is almost over and Finn really hopes he didn't cause, like, another heart attack or anything. That wasn't the goal. "Just tell me something in return."

Finn doesn't want to, but he figures he owes Burt something because he _does_ kinda feel better. At least he knows he's not the only guy in the history of ever that felt totally inadequate. And at least Burt didn't make him feel like he _is_. "Depends on what."

There's another chuckle. "Just promise me you're taking this all as seriously as it deserves to be." Finn isn't sure exactly what he means, 'cause there are a few different ways he could take that. "I_ know_ how much you love that girl. I think we all do, especially her. But it's a very adult thing, what you're doing. Just handle it like adults. Use protection _all_ the time. And don't do anything you aren't both on board with."

"Yeah, of course not," Finn says. "I mean…Rachel's pretty smart about everything so it kinda means I am too, y'know?"

Burt laughs and nods as he stands up. He pats Finn on the shoulder. "Yeah, I know something about that, too." Finn laughs a little because Burt _just _said his mom knows things. "And I know it…well, I know it kind of feels really weird, but I'm glad you talk to me about stuff."

"I trust you, Burt," he admits, his voice low and his eyes glued to the blanked out television.

"Good. I'm glad." He claps his hands together. "Now, speaking of things we aren't telling your mother about, do you want to chase the pizza with some nachos?"

* * *

So Rachel has this thing for mood music (obviously). And her opinion on what constitutes mood music surprises him, but now that they're on her bed and…well… he thinks maybe the mood music might be part of his problem.

This song is totally turning him on even more 'cause it's singing about her. And there's no way he could sing her a song like this in Glee, but it would be pretty awesome and pretty hot.

_Helplessly melting as I stand next to the sun and as she burned me, I am__screaming out for more.__Drink every drop of liquid heat that I've become, pop me open, spill me out onto__the floor._

She drags her bare foot up the back of his bare leg and he shivers a little bit but he manages to keep kissing her without even a break. He's not totally sure when his pants ended up on the floor, but all he knows is that her skirt is right there with them and he's _totally_ okay with that.

_Leaving your smell on my coat__, __leaving your taste on my shoulder__…__I still fail to understand what it is about this woman._

Her mouth drifts and she uses her hand on his cheek to turn his head even she can kiss up his jaw. Her tongue hits the hinge of his jaw and he feels his breath catch as his hips grind into her, only two thin layers of cotton between them.

It could be said this is a bad time to bring this up but it doesn't mean he's not gonna do it.

He pulls his head away and she looks a little confused. There's no way he's backing away from her any further, though. It's just not happening.

"Hey, babe…if you were like…I dunno, disappointed in any of this stuff you would tell me, right?"

Her hands drop to his arms and he doesn't really like that. But she's underneath him, so he is kind of in charge of if she can pull away. He prepares himself for her hands to hit his bare chest, but they don't.

"Of course. Why would you think I'm disappointed?" She asks.

And yeah, when she says it like that, he wonders. Like, it's not her voice. It's the fact that she's underneath him in her black bra and her black panties and it looks like she's having a hard time breathing. Her chest is flushed and her skin is glowing and he gives the mailman a little bit of screen time to distract himself before he remembers that's _not_ the point.

He pulls back just a little bit, but she's not exactly accepting that and she straddles his lap.

"Well, okay. Schue was talking about repeating mistakes before."

She scowls and he puts his hands on her hips just to make sure she doesn't actually move away. He kind of likes her in his lap and he kind of likes that she wouldn't let him just pull away.

"Well…so I know there were a few things I didn't tell you and that it kind of messed everything up. And that's not exactly…right. And things have changed but there's something I didn't tell you and now…now I'm kinda self-conscious about it."

She tilts her head. "You have nothing to be self-conscious about, Finn. I've really enjoyed…everything." He raises an eyebrow, because in his mind, crying the first time doesn't necessarily mean she had fun. He felt kind of like dirt because he knew she was uncomfortable afterward, even if he'd done some of his very best work to make sure she had fun _before_ that part. "Okay, I've enjoyed _most_ everything. And it's not like there's any comparison between you and anyone else anyway because you're it for me."

He just about gets up off her bed and it would dump her off his lap. "What? I mean… that's not exactly _helping_. And it's not… it's not the point."

"Then redirect me."

"You just… you _do_ things to me. You're so hot and I get so turned on and sometimes I think maybe I just…I just…it's too _fast_."

Her smile is slow and she wiggles in his lap and the song starts over. She has the same damn thing on repeat? "I like it when you lose control, Finn."

He pulls his head back and his hands are tighter on her hips, but then he slides them over to her butt and hooks his thumbs in the waistband of her panties.

"But…Santana said…and…"

She shakes her head and her smile grows. "I don't care what Santana said or what she might ever say about you. You're _mine_. And the fact that I can do that to you? It's…it's amazing and it gets me going even more."

"Really?" He asks doubtfully. "I just…sometimes I still think about like …I just don't want…"

"You're so sweet to me," she says. She gives him a lingering kiss. "That's really the biggest turn-on ever. The rest of it…we're still learning. But you…you have no reason to doubt what you do to me. Just because it isn't as obvious doesn't mean it isn't as _strong_. I'm satisfied," she promises. "Aren't you?"

He smiles at her. "Sometimes more than once," he admits.

"I know," she whispers, going up onto her knees so she can move her mouth back to his ear. "Me, too. So whatever it is you think about …just stop. Stop thinking."

"I told you before…" he swallows hard. "It wasn't Coach Beiste."

"Yes."

"But there is _something_."

Her mouth is on his neck and he totally can't open his eyes as they both start moving against each other again.

"Tell me," she whispers, her breath hot on his skin and making him shudder a little.

"I hit a mailman with a car and he bounced off the windshield."

She stops abruptly and sits back to look at him. His eyes jerk open.

"Is he okay?"

"Think so," he said. "I've run over him about ten thousand times in my head though, so…"

"Well, you can stop," she says. Her hands slip up his chest and she's toying with the hair on the back of his neck. "It's not fair for you to feel like you have to keep your composure around me anyway." She bites her lip. "Because I cut loose in front of you all the time."

"I know. I love it," he says. "I guess I just don't want you to feel like…like I can't make you…or I don't care if you...if you have fun."

"I have fun with you," she says. She lifts up first one leg and then the other and he realizes she's totally naked from the waist down. "But I _need_ something right now. And only you can give it to me."

"Really?"

She nods. "Really."

"Well I guess I feel better about things then," he says.

"You feel pretty good to me," she agrees. She pushes him backward on the bed and she bites her lip. "Doesn't mean we can't keep practicing, right?"

She _loves_ to practice. And honestly, he benefits. He's not gonna complain about it.

Maybe she can help him come up with new ways to feel like a wicked stud. Really, all she ever really has to do is basically…look at him like that. 'Cause when she licks her lips like that, even the mailman won't help him anyway. Turns out, she's the _only_ one who can help him.


End file.
